Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
