we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
