Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dick very happy bro
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
