I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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