I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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