I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
