I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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