On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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