Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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