I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
