If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
