i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
