mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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