FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
