don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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