guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's shark week go big or go home
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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