So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
