That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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