its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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