went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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