I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
