Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
