I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
