Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
