I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
