I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
