After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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