I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
organizing the empties. That sober.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
try to milk me bitch
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