If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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