I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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