why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
