my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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