theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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