Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
