I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
