The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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