the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
