Just cropdusted the office
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
