So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
