i think my tv is drunk
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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