Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
