I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
