I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
