I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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