Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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