Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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