piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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