Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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