i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
