Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
