maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
